You can chase your whole life behind reasons,
person or hell with whatever you want.
And you will try to hold on to things forever but
it is still gonna pass like sand from your hand,
like it always does.

At the end, you will come to accept that,
Life is nothing like poetry.
There is nothing poetic about missing someone.
You can’t find art when you are alone.
It hurts every damn to even breathe but even on those moments,
if you can hold on to hope;
maybe you win right there.
– Abirami Pillai


What are you ?

Tell me, what you are ?
And I will leave you in a sigh.

I hope you aren’t love.
Because love,
On some days you are my salvation
And on other days you are nothing more than nemesis.
– Abirami Pillai


We thrive on sadness,
and mastered the art of pretending to be okay.
Somehow, someday we will be more then fine;
until then see us smiling and thriving.

– Abirami Pillai

Things that doesn’t hurt!

I remember once what I said to someone, probably some friend “For me, my books, movies and my playlists are important than any other human being in the world”.
Pretty shitty thing to say to someone who considered you as important? I regret saying it but that’s the truth for me.

I started reading books (not textbooks but story books, novels, magazines, sometimes chocolate wrappers too.) when I was very young probably after fifth grade itself. I used to read self-care books long before I was matured. FYI, I don’t read romantic novels. I don’t remember I read any of them at all just one twilight – first book of the series, two day before my English board exams. I remember every one of my classmates crammed up with all academic books and I used to read Stephenie’s Meyer best seller, I guess. (One more information, I don’t find Edward or Bella cute or vampires cute. I just read it, because it felt good to read it.)
Movies, what should I say about them. The more I watch them, the more I want to watch. Not the stupid masala movies, which has meaningless songs, jokes and has no sense. I remember watching Con-Air before I was promoted to secondary school. Lame, I guess but I loved it. There are more than 100 favourite movies of mine and I am sure there are more to come.
Music, another word for paradise, heaven or magic. Whatever you say, it never confine what music does to human being. For me, it was another world I can get lost into and never return back. If you want to hear music which you never heard of, ask me. In my summer vacations, finding new artist, new songs was one thing I used to look up more than anything.

So ya, for me my books, movies and my playlists are important than any other human being in the world. That is greatest truth for me because I never once felt some outsider when I used to read, watch or listen them. It’s like different feeling for someone who never fit in anywhere, who never belonged anywhere to be found by something and embracing what you really are.
P.S I was reading a book while I was posting this.

With A Smile, Innocence Is Born Again

Bombings, wars, politics, sexism, inequality, hatred, deceit and what else not.
It fills you with terror, fear, sometimes no hope for humanity.
You look at yourself and the world and think about it, “is this what we fight for?”
And you are lost in the maze of your thoughts and, suddenly a naive child asks you to hold his balloon for him
He tells you “Handle it with care.”
And even with lot on your mind
You promise you will take care of the balloon.
When he is done with his work and asks the balloon back.
He smiles the brightest smile and
You half smile at him watching him walk by;
Just like that with a smile, innocence is born again.

Pic source :- Twitter(A young passenger asks a station attendant for directions, on a railway platform in Bristol, 1936)

Lonely Moments

Lonely Moments

On some nights,
when you can’t turn off the voices in your head
and your demons come out to play with you some more.
When you toss the pillows and
pull up the blanket coherently so you can sleep.
You even plug in your earphones to listen some music to drift away
and check out all 7345 images saved in your phone all at once .

On some nights when your heart wants to run wild free underneath the night sky,
or somewhere, anywhere but here.
Yet you are stuck in four corners of your tiny home.
Just remember on those nights
even on such lonely moments,

I still think of you.

– Abirami Pillai 

Empty Void Spaces

Empty Void Spaces

I get it. All right.
You are filling up your soul, no not your soul; you are trying to fill the void that occurred to you few years ago.
I don’t know how the void came into existence. I honestly don’t know.
Maybe someone walked out of your life or else maybe you didn’t get the love you deserved.
It can be also because life took you somewhere and you didn’t wanted to end up there.
It might be also due to your mistake of your past or fear of future.
Your might be also in waiting for something to arrive or must be tired of waiting forever.
I don’t know why this void came into existence.
But all I know there exist a void inside and you are trying to fill it with all the things you can get hands on.
With music, books, movies, sports, sometimes even with a drink or two.
You are trying to fill as fast as you can with all the things you can avail to.

But if you must know, know this
these empty void spaces inside you
can be only filled up by another human
Cause flesh beholds only flesh, nothing less or nothing more.
And if you are enough lucky
you might eventually find that human
who comes into your life and fill these void
without your permission and take you to whole new reality!

– Abirami Pillai